"Fairsees Police!" Fairness Doesn’t Mean Equal

By Kathryn Peck

Oh, my children really don’t like it when I say this. When one child gets a bigger cookie than another, for instance, someone immediately gripes that theirs isn’t as big. That’s when I make my police car sound and chirp, “fairsees police!” When handing out crackers at snack time, a child inevitably checks to make sure that everyone got five crackers. My husband may even go so far as to pretend to see flashing police lights out front.

It’s over-the-top, I know, but as any parent will tell you, dealing with fairness is tough.

What I’ve come to realize after having four children is that fairness doesn’t always mean equal. Yes, each child is loved equally, but their needs are different, and treating them differently at certain times will help keep the fairsees police at bay.

Yes, each child is loved equally, but their needs are different, and treating them differently at certain times will help keep the fairsees police at bay.

Everyone wants something when we go to the store. I’m often inundated with, “mom, can I get something?” from four kids, all the while trying to remember the list of things we actually need to get. In the moment, I find decision making, particularly when fairness is an issue, to be impossible. I learned from a Berenstain Bears book (it’s true … “The Berenstain Bears Get the Gimmies”) to set out a plan for purchases before going into the store, and it works. If one child needs crayons for a school project, I now explain beforehand that the crayons are needed for school and not everyone needs crayons right now.

In this way, I feel I’m better able to meet the needs of the individual, giving them specific attention to their needs in order to thrive. I also think that by avoiding the endless tedium of fairness in all things, siblings may come to better recognize themselves as individuals and avoid competition, comparison, and sibling rivalry.

I also think that by avoiding the endless tedium of fairness in all things, siblings may come to better recognize themselves as individuals.

And as we all know, nothing is foolproof, but here are 5 simple things you can do that might make things a little fairer between siblings:

1. Ask your children to stop pointing out what’s fair and unfair altogether. Bury this term in the back yard if you must; fair does not mean equal; it means giving each person what they need.
2. Take time to make each child feel special every day. Each person’s needs, feelings, and perspectives are important. One-on-one time is important, so consider taking your children on separate outings sometimes. While spending time with one child, keep the focus on them.
3. Focus on the strengths of the individual and offer praise when you’re alone with the child, as sometimes children interpret praise of a sibling in a negative light.
4. Explain about the differences in ages and why it’s ok for siblings to do and need different things.
5. Have your children do things together sometimes and encourage teamwork. They will feel that they're in this together and that they're both focused on completing the same task. Teamwork will also emphasize that they're both doing the same thing and not getting special treatment.

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About the author: Kathryn is the owner of Bicycle Pie and mom of 4 little ones. Also a writer, editor, and former owner of one of Boston's premiere baby boutiques, she continues to write about motherhood, children's products, family life, and all other things that test our skills and patience as parents.

Photo credit: iStock.com/PeopleImages